Waiting for Something

I would apologize for not writing in a long time; but I'm pretty sure nobody reads this anyway.
I also apologize that this is probably going to be a sad post... but October was a really rough month.

I was over at a friend's house today and we were talking about friends and everything, and I told her something that I have been avoiding thinking about for a while until today.
I don't have friends.
Well, let me rephrase that. I do not have friends who I spend a lot of my time texting, or hanging out with, or planning crazy things with. Let me try to explain; you know how in movies there is the main character, the supporting actor (usually their best friend), and then there's like the mini character that's in the movie but their not the best friend; the one who's invited to the bachelorette party and is in the bridal party, but never the maid of honor. that's the supporting actress' job.. Like in Something Borrowed there's Rachel, who's the main character; her best friend is Darcy, the supporting actor; and then there's Claire, the awkward one who's just there as a friend they know. I'm Claire. I'm the one who is friends with people, but I am not their Darcy. I am not their best friend who they tell everything to and create crazy memories with.
I just tried finding pictures of the three people I talked about, and I couldn't find one with her in it. See what I mean?
I used to think that I was closer to people than I really was, but now I don't even feel like I am someone's Darcy... I don't even feel like a Rachel. I think I may just be someone in the background now. Always the bridesmaid, never the maid of honor or bride... that's what I'm thinking now. That was a 27 dresses reference... but adding on maid of honor haha.

 I am not really close to anyone like I used to. Yes a lot of the friends who I were really close to are on their missions, or will be on their missions in 9 days... (HOLY COW... 9 days...)
I even talked about it in my farewell talk when I left on my mission; that not feeling accepted and feeling completely alone was the biggest trial I've had to deal with before my mission. Now its happened again (well it never really changed) and now its become part of my life. Its hard knowing that you don't really have someone that you can just drop everything for and go to their house five minutes later, and you know they'll do the same for you.
I've also been reflecting on my farewell a lot today. I think its because my dear friend Hannah had her's yesterday (YAY!) and her house was so packed that I was literally down in the basement sitting there awkwardly making small talk with 2 people and I did my thing where when I feel awkward I talk a lot about nothing and then I feel extremely embarrassed afterward. I also didn't even get to talk to Hannah more than hi and bye, but I saw her that morning so I didn't really feel like I deserved to be there and talk to her....

Anyway, that was a random tangent. So when I had my farewell, one of my friends (one of my best friends) didn't even come; and oh man did that hurt a lot... in fact not many people came to the open house (more people came to the talk but not many more), and it almost reiterated that I was so alone at the time. And the fact that that friend didn't even come to my farewell talk but was there at so many other farewells really broke my heart. My friend doesn't even know that I feel this way... but it hurt.

It's also hard to realize when I thought I was a big contributing factor to something or someone's life, but it just turns out that they don't see it that way. I was just a little blip in the line.

I think I'm just going to go watch something borrowed or 27 dresses and ignore these feelings that I'm having.